We're still alive.

So we are in Houston. I haven't blogged.... mainly because I didn't have anything positive or cheerful to say. This has honestly been the hardest week of my life. Harder than when my parents drove away after dropping me off at college. Harder than being pregnant with triplets at 33 weeks. Harder than even leaving them in the NICU for 2 weeks. I actually had a panic attack the day before we left. I was just sobbing telling Jared "I cant do this.... I cant do this...." I had to leave my home. My family. My dog. My help with the girls. My comfort zone. My little bubble. My sanity bubble. I literally felt like the walls were caving in and I thought Jared was going to have to pull me out of the house forcibly. Terrified is an understatement towards how I felt.

The girls did so well on the drive out to Texas. It took about 6 hours (about 20 hours total) longer with all the stops we did for them. But I honestly could not have asked anything more from them. They were troopers. Even in the hotel that night they slept in those awful cribs the hotel leant us. We bought a DVD player for the trip and it SAVED us. We played those 30 minute Baby Einstein movies over and over for them. They loved it.

When we arrived, the panic set in again. We are living in a townhouse. That means I have stairs. Stairs... Soak that in for a minute. Carrying three babies up and down those stairs several dozen times a day... good grief. But its just so much smaller than I imagined it too. We are so packed in here. And, despite Jared's reassurance that the place was clean, it wasn't and still isn't anywhere close to MY standard of clean. And I had NO time to clean it before our stuff overtook every square inch of the place. Therefore, it still hasn't been done. Ive spent the last week trying to dig out of this hole we were buried in. Its such a slow process though since I have the girls. The first 3 days were bad for me. I was beyond stressed, emotional, drained, overcome with "to do" lists. I just sobbed most of the day saying "I cant do this... I cant do this..." Needless to say, I made it through the first week. I still hate living in this place. Its not at all suitable for our needs. Jared is on summer sales schedule again so he leaves at 1130 and doesnt get home until about 1030 that night. Its a nightmare. NIGHTMARE! This just isn't functional to our lives anymore. It sucked when it was just me at home all day long ALONE. But now we have three babies. Its just... I get so emotional when I think about it.

**Let me just stop here and say something very important. My in-laws have LITERALLY saved me through this entire process. My father in law flew down and packed up all of our stuff. Just so you understand how much stuff we have... we filled a 26 foot UHAUL (the biggest one they offer) TO THE BRIM... insane. So he packed us in and unloaded us. He also drove us to Texas and helped so much with the girls... I mean he is a hero. And then there is my precious sister in law Lisa. She has volunteered to live with me for 6 months before she goes to college. She has been my saving grace. Literally. She is so great with the girls. She can do all that I do. She is my desperately needed second set of arms. She is amazing and I will NEVER be able to thank her enough for the peace of mind she gives me. In laws are amazing.**

So with Lisa's help I am now in charge of unpacking, cleaning, cooking, remembering everything, grocery shopping, paying bills, running errands, and for now handling the girls all day long without Jared IN ADDITION to what I did while living at home. Its overwhelming. Im trying everyday not to let it keep me in bed all day and not get up. Its hard. Its hard on a marriage. Its the most difficult thing Ive been asked to do and Im still making peace with it. Now you know why I haven't posted in a while. I think I will stick to cute pictures and videos of the girls until I can get my attitude and thoughts in check. Until then.

Wow this post got long. Sorry.

Mia has a new trick!

During the move Mia picked up on how to say goodbye, so we thought we'd put it up here for everyone.

Enjoy!!!

Deep Breaths

Well we decided to go ahead and do the MRI for Charlotte. Actually jared decided. I couldn't make a decision about it to save my life and Jared was really convinced we should go ahead with it. So here we go. I am super nervous about it and feel so awful for my sweet girl. I will have to wake up at 400am to feed her a bottle and then after 5 she cant have anything until after its over. The appointment is at 1100am and they will have to sedate her. Then she wakes up, they make sure she drinks her bottle ok and then we wait till Thursday for the results from the neuro. THEN we leave Friday for Houston. I am beyond stressed out. My whole body is on anxious alert. I just need to calm down, deep breaths. It will all work out. Please pray for my sweet Charlotte. My sweet little Charlotte. I can't believe she has to go through this, she's only 11 months old. Ridiculous....

Hell and back

This past week has been the most emotionally draining, exhausting, and depressing week I can ever remembering having.

From the top:

Jared left for Houston on the 2nd. It was only going to be for 2 weeks. I could do this! I could be a single mom of triplets for just two weeks. My grandparents drove in to help and all would be fine. Except my sweet grandparents, who are SUCH a huge help to me when the girls are awake, unfortunately aren't much assistance in getting and keeping the girls asleep. Which meant I was on nap and night time duty. The night before Jared left we were both up ALL night long with the girls. Charli and Mia DID NOT SLEEP! It was insane. But Jared assured me that that was a fluke and the next night would be better..... umm nope. Honestly, the entire time he was gone I slept maybe 45 spurts at a time. After 2-3 days of getting no sleep or recuperation I was a zombie, and a grumpy one at that. I had no energy to play with the girls. I was supposed to be packing and getting ready to move but I just tried to take naps during my "spare" time. Every day was survival mode and it was AWFUL!

Now, 7 days later.... 7 days of next to nothing called sleep.... I finally got around to calling the nurse about Charli winking her left eye just to see what she thought might be causing it. She asked the doctor and he wanted to see for himself and asked me to bring her in. So I did. Showed him pictures of her doing it and he said "Wow! You weren't kidding!" Then he left to show the pictures to a different doctor. Came back and said he wanted to call a neurologist to see if Charlotte needed to be checked out. WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A neurologist?! I said exactly "A neurologist? Like for her BRAIN?!" I did not see that coming. He explained that a baby this young should not be able to have that kind of muscle control to wink only one eye. That when they squint its always both eyes, not just one and so this was very unusual. I asked him what could be causing it that would lead him to straight to her brain. He said it could be seizures, or nerve swelling... or a mass on the brain...... >Heart stopped<........ I choked back vomit (literally) and said "Mass? Like a tumor?" He said he didn't want to suggest anything because he didn't know and that would just call her and see what she thought. Worse case being she wants to see Charli within 24 hours. With tears ALREADY streaming down my exhausted face I just nodded. I held Charlotte so tight the next 5-10 minutes waiting for him to come back. I couldn't believe it. I called Jared and quickly related what was going on. We were both on panic alert. Doc came back into the room and said "She wants to see you tomorrow morning at 830 am." I couldn't hold it back anymore and started crying. Not sobbing. Just uncontrollable tears everywhere. I was too exhausted, too tired to process what this could all mean. Holding Charlotte was the only thing that kept me conscious. I left the room with the directions in my hand, called Jared and cried some more. He kept asking me if he should fly home right away. It was going to cost 200 bucks just to change his flight. I didn't want to spend that money because we are moving and needed to save everything we could. But what if I go tomorrow and they give me the worst news of my life. I would need him there right? I just told him I couldn't make that decision and he said I'll be home tomorrow. I was relieved.

That was the worst 12 hours of my life. I never ever want to repeat the fear and panic I had on my heart and mind all night and morning. My body was pushed to the edge and I wasn't sure I could take anymore. I met with the neuro. She examined Charlotte and I showed her photos and videos of Charli doing it. Miraculously, she almost immediately ruled out all the scary stuff. It wasn't a seizure. It wasn't a tumor. It wasn't a swollen nerve in her brain. A million pounds was lifted of my shoulders. However, the doctor doesn't know WHY Charlotte does the winking so she suggested we do a MRI and made an appointment for Wednesday. Jared and I are still debating whether or not we will go through with the MRI yet. Still weighing the pros and cons. Well this post got really long but I wanted to keep the friends and family that having been praying for our sweet Charlotte posted on the latest. Thanks again for those! I feel like I have literally been through hell and thankfully came out the other side.... what a week.

Here we go!

So all my girls are very mobile. They have been scooting around and certainly can get from point A to point B in a short amount of time. However, just recently we have been having actual crawling activity going on. Well you've all seen Charlottes' version of it.... we are still working on correct technique. Now, Mia has joined in. But she is doing it the right way. HA! She just started today and I got it on film for the daddy. (He's in Texas already getting us set up before I come out with the girls and my awesome helper! (yeah you rock Lisa)) So here ya go Jared! Your baby girl is crawling!!

Rub a dub dub... 3 ADORABLE girls in a tub!

I had a beyond horrible day the other day and got SUPER desperate for relief. I had never put them in the tub together all at once but thought it might break up the time and fussiness before bed and sure enough they had a ball. They splashed and played with the toys. I'll be keeping this in mind for future melt downs but I think I will still be taking them on one at a time for actual baths.

Mia-Charlotte-Abigail