Please don't read this if you're here for the cute pics.

When I was about nine or ten years old, my softball team decided to have their end of the year party at my house because I had a TOTALLY awesome swimming pool. It had a slide and a diving board and was SUPER deep. It was such a great day. There was this really sweet black girl that I was friends with who couldn't swim but really wanted to go down our slide. However, once you went down the slide it threw you right in the middle of the deep end. I told her if she would go down with one of those pool noodle things around her waist that I would wait by the edge and grab her hand on her way down and pull her to the side of the pool. She wouldn't even go under water, it would be great. She was so nervous, like shaking nervous. But I had reassured that I would be there...

It went so wrong. Somehow, she lost grip of the noodle and it was lost before she got halfway down. Before she hit the water she grabbed my hand and swung me right out to the deep end with her. Imagine a cat being thrown in water and thats exactly how she reacted. She immediately pulled my head under and stood on my shoulders. I didn't even have time to breathe before this all happened. I can remember being under that water just like it was yesterday. No kidding. Its funny to note that my first thought was "at least she's above water." That quickly changed to "holy cow, I cant breathe!" It probably only lasted a minute but it felt like ten swimming with all my might to the edge of the pool. With her literally wrapped around my head I finally made it. I was able to get a quick breath before I went under again. Getting her to let go of me and climb out of the pool seemed like another eternity. Finally, she was out and I was so exhausted I could only put my head on the concrete while my body was supported by the water.

I thought about this random blimp today while I was in the shower. It describes perfectly how I feel in moments like this. Completely outmatched. There is something claustrophobic about not having the freedom to leave your house at your leisure. There's something utterly exhausting about being outnumbered by very short-tempered toddlers. There's a palpable drowning feeling when it seems like you've made no progress at all today and you have to do it all over again tomorrow. There's something terrifying about feeling like your holding everyone on your shoulders and you simply cant make it to the edge by yourself.

Every time I go to the park or anywhere with my little angels, at least 5 people will say something like "Triplets! Wow! That must be so much work!" or "How in the world do you do that all by yourself?" or " I can not even imagine doing that!" I know they probably mean well, but when thats all you hear outsiders say, you start to think... Ashlee, how will you ever survive this? And I know it honestly doesn't get easier. Thats what we moms like to comfort ourselves with though. The thought that it will get easier. It doesn't really. You just get different types of problems. Usually more complicated ones too. Instead of "its feeding time... AGAIN" its now "Mia wont stop bitting her sisters and I just cant keep my eyes on her all the time."

Yes, I've obviously had a rough couple of days. But my point isn't really about this weekend, its the rest of my life. I get slapped and bit daily. I get the food I lovingly prepare for my babies thrown in my face, literally. I get tantrums all day long. I get mess after mess after mess to clean up. Im literally crying right now because I love those girls more than my own life, times a million. And of course I will keep doing all these things for them until I hit the grave but ITS JUST SO HARD! And sometimes when I feel this alone and outmatched it feels IMPOSSIBLE. Each one of those babies deserves a mom all to themselves 100% of the time and they have to settle for imperfect me split three ways. Doesn't seem fair to me.

To end this post on a higher note: when I regained my strength that afternoon I remember thinking there was no way I made it to the edge with her on my head all by myself. I knew without a doubt Someone had helped me. My little testimony grew a bit more that day a long time ago that my Heavenly Father will not forsaken me when it seems so very dim and impossible. I hold on to that faith during trials like this one. He loves me and those angels sleeping in the next room too much to forsaken us now, deep into this time of our lives that seems very heavy. I know that with all my heart. Thanks for letting me vent; it is my blog after all. You may wonder why Im evening posting this particular one. Its because when my babies read this years from now I want them to know that their mother struggled sometimes but she NEVER lost faith in our Heavenly Father.

Part One

Get ready for a video overload! I took 10 videos on the girls this week (only posting six though). I guess I just think they are sooo cute! haha

Mia has these moments where she just wants to hug and has been doing it so much this week! Its just so precious. I caught it on video, thankfully.

Today the girls were doing the cutest thing! They started a game all on their own. This is a first. They do stuff together all the time but this is the first time I found them playing together as a game all silly. It was hilarious! I must say though, this started with Mia dragging Abbi around by the hand. Luckily, Abbi thought it was funny so she let her. HA! Oh Dear.

silly

Part Two

Mia Bia... This child is so funny (good and bad)... She is the sweetest most precious angel, half the time. The other part of Mia is quite scary. She just randomly has these outbursts where she gets so frustrated that the only thing she knows to do is BITE! She has the worst tantrums... Its exhausting and beyond disheartening.

Anyway, (sorry about the complaining, Im coming off a rough day) here is one of her sweetest angel moments. She loves to sing and it melts my heart quicker than anything. And she's actually pretty dang good!

Our first attempt was in vain. HA! She said NO!

Our second attempt was so good! Notice on "SO" she's on the same note as me. Im telling you, she's gonna be good!

Part 3

Here we have something that started out so fun. We colored for a good half hour and they were loving it. It was great. Until.... I took the crayons away. They were starting to get rambunctious with the colors and I knew they were getting bored. So I took them away and my goodness... Chaos ensued. You can see in the video Charlotte was already on one that day and heaven help me. This started one of THE WORST throw downs for ALL THREE of them! I actually had to go outside for a minute and catch my breath. We have been having these random unexpected moments lately where things are perfect and sweet one second and DEADLY and TYRANNICAL the next! Its been almost more than I can bare sometimes. I've actually hit my knees in the middle of these throw downs and prayed for help because I didn't know what else to do.... Anyway, enjoy the prequel to the nightmare.

And here we have my girlies in their SO cute rain boots Mimi bought for them. Its hilarious to me when I say "We're going to the grocery store." And Mia says "NO!" haha Thats her favorite word lately.

Confession

Grey's Anatomy used to be a guilty pleasure of mine. It's true. Unfortunately, they've become so liberal I can't stomach watching it anymore. Anyway, I came across this jewel from back when I used to record every episode. I remember sobbing watching it then and I got pretty emotional watching it again. She is singing to herself and her family fighting for her life. (the girl thats singing is the same girl on the hospital bed close to death for those who don't follow Grey's).

(oh and, yes mom, thats a woman singing to her lesbian lover. Sorry.) Its still really beautiful.

So much in love....

On our walk one day the girls saw these wildflowers and started doing their version of the sign for flower. So funny they do it completely different than what it really is but I know exactly what they mean. Ha! Anyway, I picked a flower for each girlie and they loved them. They held them the entire walk and when we got home I put them in their hair. Abbi wouldn't leave hers in (surprise) but the others thought it was so neat. I love my girlies!

Beautiful Abbi

Charli was nervous to move so that the flower wouldn't fall out.

Dont pout Mia! HA!

After an afternoon at the splashpad. Getting some water and a snack with towels on their heads. Hehe little shepard girls.

They have all loved sitting in their chairs lately too. I think it makes them feel big. They are so cute in them too. And they actually sat in the chairs with their names on it. Ha! Way to go!

We tried to get Abbi's ears pierced this weekend but the line was like an hour long and the lady was going sooo slow. So we ditched it and will try again this week. My mom got a cast on Monday and has to stay off her foot for 2 weeks. Then she will go back to the doc and get a walking cast to wear for a month I think. Then, hopefully, she should be healed. She's in alot of pain most days and I hate that for her. Wish she could be here with us...

We are so close to buying a van! Just deciding between a few good options and hopefully in the next couple of weeks we will have decided! YEAH! We have had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday I was able to go to our Stake Relief Society Conference and it was really great to have a whole morning without babies, just adults. Then the rest of the weekend was all about the girls. They've had a great weekend too. We love our days with our daddy!

Mia is such a little singer lately. She loves to sing all our songs and it is the cutest, sweetest thing. I will be getting it on video this week! She can do the "Do, Ray, Me, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do" song too. Precious. Charlotte is adjusting well to her earrings and they are healing up nicely. Abbi has been pretty fussy this week. Jared hasn't been feeling well so we think she might feel a little under the weather too. They are just growing and doing so much everyday. Its a wonder and a privilege to witness it.

Happy Easter!

My gorgeous Mia checking out her Easter Bunny Loot.

Abigail (my book worm) is loving her new book!

Charlotte loves daddy to read to her.

Abbi reading her new book to me.

Mia (left) and Abbi (right)

Charli, so beautiful.

Abbi, my angel.

We were able to skype Grandma and Grandpa and also Mimi and Poppy before church to show them our beautiful Easter dresses.

After the egg hunt they just played with the eggs for a while. Its hilarious when the simplest things entertain them. Ha!

But of course, this is the real reason we celebrate Easter. How very grateful I am to know without a doubt that my Savior lives.

Easter Prep & Get Well Soon

Our plans were completely changed for Easter (but as long as my parents are ok, Im okay with rescheduling our trip). So this year we are just going to hang out here. Im planning a egg hunt in the backyard for tomorrow and of course the Easter bunny will be visiting us tonight. I bought each of the girls a book, a bottle of bubbles, a magna doodle (this was to help entertain on the trip really), and of course candy (just M&Ms though). My mom bought the girls these adorable ducks with rain slickers. So cute! Im so excited to see their little faces unwrap their goodies!

I bought the girlies these bunny ears that they liked for about ten minutes. Ha! Luckily they were only a dollar. Charli wouldn't put them on for a picture so this was the only way I could get one. haha

Mia

Abbi

The girls and I made my mom a little Get Well Card. I painted their hands and put their hand print on the inside along with these pictures. Also I printed out a flower color page and let them each color one and cut them out and put them on the front. They turned out pretty corny but she liked it so thats all that matters.

Abbi

Charli

Mia

By the way, my girls love Mama Mia (the movie) but mostly the music. Either way, Im THRILLED! its pretty much one of my favorite movies ever!

Go Charlotte!

We pierced Charli's ears today! HA! Totally spur of the moment and I called it quits like three times before it was final but Jared made me stick to it. As soon as they put the sanitizer on Bean's ears, she freaked! Poor thing just started crying. And when the lady got the marker out to mark her ears, oh boy... no way jose! I had to hold her head with one hand and mark her ear myself with the other! ha Luckily, there were two girls there and they pierced both ears at once while I held her head straight and Jared distracted her. The twins were busy eating their lolly pops they got from the ladies so they were troopers! Anyway, here we go with cleaning them three times a day for 6 weeks... Joy! The twins will probably be next weekend. We shall see.

Go Mia!!

Mia can say her name! Perfectly! Now that may seem like a "whatever" moment to some. But to the mother its huge! Im so excited for her. She's the first one to say her own name. Yeah!!!

It took 3 videos but I think you get the point: