Saturday, June 11, 2011

Hell and back

This past week has been the most emotionally draining, exhausting, and depressing week I can ever remembering having.

From the top:

Jared left for Houston on the 2nd. It was only going to be for 2 weeks. I could do this! I could be a single mom of triplets for just two weeks. My grandparents drove in to help and all would be fine. Except my sweet grandparents, who are SUCH a huge help to me when the girls are awake, unfortunately aren't much assistance in getting and keeping the girls asleep. Which meant I was on nap and night time duty. The night before Jared left we were both up ALL night long with the girls. Charli and Mia DID NOT SLEEP! It was insane. But Jared assured me that that was a fluke and the next night would be better..... umm nope. Honestly, the entire time he was gone I slept maybe 45 spurts at a time. After 2-3 days of getting no sleep or recuperation I was a zombie, and a grumpy one at that. I had no energy to play with the girls. I was supposed to be packing and getting ready to move but I just tried to take naps during my "spare" time. Every day was survival mode and it was AWFUL!

Now, 7 days later.... 7 days of next to nothing called sleep.... I finally got around to calling the nurse about Charli winking her left eye just to see what she thought might be causing it. She asked the doctor and he wanted to see for himself and asked me to bring her in. So I did. Showed him pictures of her doing it and he said "Wow! You weren't kidding!" Then he left to show the pictures to a different doctor. Came back and said he wanted to call a neurologist to see if Charlotte needed to be checked out. WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A neurologist?! I said exactly "A neurologist? Like for her BRAIN?!" I did not see that coming. He explained that a baby this young should not be able to have that kind of muscle control to wink only one eye. That when they squint its always both eyes, not just one and so this was very unusual. I asked him what could be causing it that would lead him to straight to her brain. He said it could be seizures, or nerve swelling... or a mass on the brain...... >Heart stopped<........ I choked back vomit (literally) and said "Mass? Like a tumor?" He said he didn't want to suggest anything because he didn't know and that would just call her and see what she thought. Worse case being she wants to see Charli within 24 hours. With tears ALREADY streaming down my exhausted face I just nodded. I held Charlotte so tight the next 5-10 minutes waiting for him to come back. I couldn't believe it. I called Jared and quickly related what was going on. We were both on panic alert. Doc came back into the room and said "She wants to see you tomorrow morning at 830 am." I couldn't hold it back anymore and started crying. Not sobbing. Just uncontrollable tears everywhere. I was too exhausted, too tired to process what this could all mean. Holding Charlotte was the only thing that kept me conscious. I left the room with the directions in my hand, called Jared and cried some more. He kept asking me if he should fly home right away. It was going to cost 200 bucks just to change his flight. I didn't want to spend that money because we are moving and needed to save everything we could. But what if I go tomorrow and they give me the worst news of my life. I would need him there right? I just told him I couldn't make that decision and he said I'll be home tomorrow. I was relieved.

That was the worst 12 hours of my life. I never ever want to repeat the fear and panic I had on my heart and mind all night and morning. My body was pushed to the edge and I wasn't sure I could take anymore. I met with the neuro. She examined Charlotte and I showed her photos and videos of Charli doing it. Miraculously, she almost immediately ruled out all the scary stuff. It wasn't a seizure. It wasn't a tumor. It wasn't a swollen nerve in her brain. A million pounds was lifted of my shoulders. However, the doctor doesn't know WHY Charlotte does the winking so she suggested we do a MRI and made an appointment for Wednesday. Jared and I are still debating whether or not we will go through with the MRI yet. Still weighing the pros and cons. Well this post got really long but I wanted to keep the friends and family that having been praying for our sweet Charlotte posted on the latest. Thanks again for those! I feel like I have literally been through hell and thankfully came out the other side.... what a week.


  1. I feel so bad for you. Poor Charli and you. :( Good luck to you both.

  2. You put the rest of us mother's to shame! You are super mom! I'm so happy to hear Charlotte's eye wasn't as serious as that crazy doctor made it seem! Stupid docs! I can't say enough how much it DRIVES ME CRAZY when they say stuff like that and freak you out!!!

    On a side note...I'm REALLY excited to see you in a few days!!!!!