Monday, June 27, 2011

We're still alive.

So we are in Houston. I haven't blogged.... mainly because I didn't have anything positive or cheerful to say. This has honestly been the hardest week of my life. Harder than when my parents drove away after dropping me off at college. Harder than being pregnant with triplets at 33 weeks. Harder than even leaving them in the NICU for 2 weeks. I actually had a panic attack the day before we left. I was just sobbing telling Jared "I cant do this.... I cant do this...." I had to leave my home. My family. My dog. My help with the girls. My comfort zone. My little bubble. My sanity bubble. I literally felt like the walls were caving in and I thought Jared was going to have to pull me out of the house forcibly. Terrified is an understatement towards how I felt.

The girls did so well on the drive out to Texas. It took about 6 hours (about 20 hours total) longer with all the stops we did for them. But I honestly could not have asked anything more from them. They were troopers. Even in the hotel that night they slept in those awful cribs the hotel leant us. We bought a DVD player for the trip and it SAVED us. We played those 30 minute Baby Einstein movies over and over for them. They loved it.

When we arrived, the panic set in again. We are living in a townhouse. That means I have stairs. Stairs... Soak that in for a minute. Carrying three babies up and down those stairs several dozen times a day... good grief. But its just so much smaller than I imagined it too. We are so packed in here. And, despite Jared's reassurance that the place was clean, it wasn't and still isn't anywhere close to MY standard of clean. And I had NO time to clean it before our stuff overtook every square inch of the place. Therefore, it still hasn't been done. Ive spent the last week trying to dig out of this hole we were buried in. Its such a slow process though since I have the girls. The first 3 days were bad for me. I was beyond stressed, emotional, drained, overcome with "to do" lists. I just sobbed most of the day saying "I cant do this... I cant do this..." Needless to say, I made it through the first week. I still hate living in this place. Its not at all suitable for our needs. Jared is on summer sales schedule again so he leaves at 1130 and doesnt get home until about 1030 that night. Its a nightmare. NIGHTMARE! This just isn't functional to our lives anymore. It sucked when it was just me at home all day long ALONE. But now we have three babies. Its just... I get so emotional when I think about it.

**Let me just stop here and say something very important. My in-laws have LITERALLY saved me through this entire process. My father in law flew down and packed up all of our stuff. Just so you understand how much stuff we have... we filled a 26 foot UHAUL (the biggest one they offer) TO THE BRIM... insane. So he packed us in and unloaded us. He also drove us to Texas and helped so much with the girls... I mean he is a hero. And then there is my precious sister in law Lisa. She has volunteered to live with me for 6 months before she goes to college. She has been my saving grace. Literally. She is so great with the girls. She can do all that I do. She is my desperately needed second set of arms. She is amazing and I will NEVER be able to thank her enough for the peace of mind she gives me. In laws are amazing.**

So with Lisa's help I am now in charge of unpacking, cleaning, cooking, remembering everything, grocery shopping, paying bills, running errands, and for now handling the girls all day long without Jared IN ADDITION to what I did while living at home. Its overwhelming. Im trying everyday not to let it keep me in bed all day and not get up. Its hard. Its hard on a marriage. Its the most difficult thing Ive been asked to do and Im still making peace with it. Now you know why I haven't posted in a while. I think I will stick to cute pictures and videos of the girls until I can get my attitude and thoughts in check. Until then.

Wow this post got long. Sorry.


  1. I have to say that you're too hard on yourself...just like your Momma! :-) The phrase I saw written twice in this blog post is "I can't do this"! But, you are doing it girl! And I know you're doing the best you can. You need to give yourself more just moved your family across the country! That is a HUGE thing!

    Know that you are loved and we're thinking of you! Hope that as you get settled in that your house will feel more like home!

  2. Count your blessings. YOu have been given so much, 3 healthy little girls, a husband who wants to provide for his family, a job, a roof over your heads, help for the past year. Be grateful, then you will have peace and happiness.

  3. I feel for ya. If you ever need us, just call. :)

  4. I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm a bit jealous. I would have loved to have help with my triplets. My husband works almost 60 hours a week and I haven't had help since we the babies were 3 1/2 months old. They spent 2 months in the nicu and I had my mom come out for a little while. I only have a few people at our home in Arizona and all my family is is Utah. Luckily we're visiting them right now so I get a bit of a break! :)

    Hang in there. It takes some getting used to, but God would not have given you 3 babies if you could not have handled it. Take a step back and realize what you been entrusted with. You can do it!!!