Sunday, April 22, 2012

Please don't read this if you're here for the cute pics.

When I was about nine or ten years old, my softball team decided to have their end of the year party at my house because I had a TOTALLY awesome swimming pool. It had a slide and a diving board and was SUPER deep. It was such a great day. There was this really sweet black girl that I was friends with who couldn't swim but really wanted to go down our slide. However, once you went down the slide it threw you right in the middle of the deep end. I told her if she would go down with one of those pool noodle things around her waist that I would wait by the edge and grab her hand on her way down and pull her to the side of the pool. She wouldn't even go under water, it would be great. She was so nervous, like shaking nervous. But I had reassured that I would be there...

It went so wrong. Somehow, she lost grip of the noodle and it was lost before she got halfway down. Before she hit the water she grabbed my hand and swung me right out to the deep end with her. Imagine a cat being thrown in water and thats exactly how she reacted. She immediately pulled my head under and stood on my shoulders. I didn't even have time to breathe before this all happened. I can remember being under that water just like it was yesterday. No kidding. Its funny to note that my first thought was "at least she's above water." That quickly changed to "holy cow, I cant breathe!" It probably only lasted a minute but it felt like ten swimming with all my might to the edge of the pool. With her literally wrapped around my head I finally made it. I was able to get a quick breath before I went under again. Getting her to let go of me and climb out of the pool seemed like another eternity. Finally, she was out and I was so exhausted I could only put my head on the concrete while my body was supported by the water.

I thought about this random blimp today while I was in the shower. It describes perfectly how I feel in moments like this. Completely outmatched. There is something claustrophobic about not having the freedom to leave your house at your leisure. There's something utterly exhausting about being outnumbered by very short-tempered toddlers. There's a palpable drowning feeling when it seems like you've made no progress at all today and you have to do it all over again tomorrow. There's something terrifying about feeling like your holding everyone on your shoulders and you simply cant make it to the edge by yourself.

Every time I go to the park or anywhere with my little angels, at least 5 people will say something like "Triplets! Wow! That must be so much work!" or "How in the world do you do that all by yourself?" or " I can not even imagine doing that!" I know they probably mean well, but when thats all you hear outsiders say, you start to think... Ashlee, how will you ever survive this? And I know it honestly doesn't get easier. Thats what we moms like to comfort ourselves with though. The thought that it will get easier. It doesn't really. You just get different types of problems. Usually more complicated ones too. Instead of "its feeding time... AGAIN" its now "Mia wont stop bitting her sisters and I just cant keep my eyes on her all the time."

Yes, I've obviously had a rough couple of days. But my point isn't really about this weekend, its the rest of my life. I get slapped and bit daily. I get the food I lovingly prepare for my babies thrown in my face, literally. I get tantrums all day long. I get mess after mess after mess to clean up. Im literally crying right now because I love those girls more than my own life, times a million. And of course I will keep doing all these things for them until I hit the grave but ITS JUST SO HARD! And sometimes when I feel this alone and outmatched it feels IMPOSSIBLE. Each one of those babies deserves a mom all to themselves 100% of the time and they have to settle for imperfect me split three ways. Doesn't seem fair to me.

To end this post on a higher note: when I regained my strength that afternoon I remember thinking there was no way I made it to the edge with her on my head all by myself. I knew without a doubt Someone had helped me. My little testimony grew a bit more that day a long time ago that my Heavenly Father will not forsaken me when it seems so very dim and impossible. I hold on to that faith during trials like this one. He loves me and those angels sleeping in the next room too much to forsaken us now, deep into this time of our lives that seems very heavy. I know that with all my heart. Thanks for letting me vent; it is my blog after all. You may wonder why Im evening posting this particular one. Its because when my babies read this years from now I want them to know that their mother struggled sometimes but she NEVER lost faith in our Heavenly Father.

7 comments:

  1. I love you Ash, you're amazing, girl. The girls are very lucky to have one strong, amazing, loving mama like you.

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  2. Ashlee, you are one of my heroes. Did I ever tell you that? It's true. Reading this... it makes me feel terrible for leaving you to handle the tantrum days by yourself. Can you forgive me?

    Right now, I just wish I was there to give you a hug and let you take a break.

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  3. Ashlee, I want you to know that there is not a better mother for those three girls than that imperfect one. No mother is perfect and part of being a mom is the guilt that comes with not being perfect. Right now is a very physically demanding time. Later it will be more mentally demanding. Life is hard but soooo worth it. Your girls love you and your love for them oozes off this blog in everything you post. I love you! Keep your head up. Soon you will wonder where those biting days went!

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  4. I loved watching you at the park this weekend...even if I was still in my jammies. You seem to have it all under control, even if you're struggling. You're a strong mother, and your faith and testimony will help carry you through those hard days. Your girls are blessed to have such a mommy!

    I'd love to help sometime! Even if just meeting you at the park during the day and helping keep track and playing with your girls. Sometimes it's nice just to get out of the house. Call or text me anytime! Halaulani

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  5. Uh oh, that sounded kinda creepy. I loved watching your family...your girls play.. etc...

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  6. I hear ya, sister. This job seems completely impossible sometimes. I find myself staring at the wall in a daze trying to tune out all the screaming in the room way too often. I make so many mistakes, it sometimes keeps me up at night thinking of them. I always say a prayer of thanks that they forgive me, and that Heavenly Father forgives me. I need all the forgiveness I can get! Those, what seem very few at his stage, moments when they hug us tight, and tell us they love us out of the blue make everything more bearable somehow. I'll keep trying my hardest if you will!

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  7. My mom had a saying that she passed on to us: "this, too, will pass." Someday your babies will be grown and gone and when you think back on the time when they were so demanding and you felt so overwhelmed it will seem like a dream that passed so quickly.... Meanwhile we absolutely know that Heavenly Father sent those girls to you because he had/has total faith in you and knows that you are strong enough to handle it. Also, he knew this would be a growth opportunity for you. I think you're doing so well and are so proud of you! Momma Toone

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